“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Greetings Rant Line™. Well, in November we ordered a Valerie Plante special. It is it too late to send it back? It doesn’t taste very good, it’s cold. I don’t even think it’s fresh. [BLEEP!]
M About Camillien Houde—make the cars go slower and put in proper bike lanes. Duh. [BLEEP!]
M Ok I know a lot has been said about this but I need to add my TWO CENTS. Closing down the MOUNTAIN ROAD to traffic has got to be the stupidest idea a Montreal politician has ever come up with. And Montreal has a long history of stupid ideas—from dumping sewage straight into the river to the Olympic stadium being a good place for baseball to the RODEO and the FORMULA E. I could go on, like I said, it’s a very long and stupid fucking list. But to shut down our most SCENIC DRIVE, to close something that makes you happy and PROUD to be a Montrealer, just so a few people can dress in SPANDEX and ride their bike up to the top, this is the fucking PINNACLE. Listen, if you are worried about traffic, the obvious answer, and this is a solution that any group of fools could come up with in two minutes talking about it in a bar, is to SLOW DOWN the traffic! Lower the speed limit, declare it a MONTREAL SCENIC DRIVE or a Region Touristique Drive or something, and your problem is solved. Everybody is happy, and you can even promote it as a tourist attraction. A real tourist attraction, not a fake one. [BLEEP!]
F Hello, I would just like to say that I can 100 per cent guarantee you that 99.9 per cent of Montrealers could not ride a bicycle up to the top of Camillien Houde if the reward when they got there was a BUCKET of FREE LOTTERY TICKETS. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M Nice job so far, Valerie Plante. Pit bulls are free to get back to their business of killing, which they were born and bred to do—I expect a new killing any day now—while normal NON-LETHAL dogs get massive $500 fines for being momentarily off the leash. And in the meantime a CRAZED CRUSADER with an irrational fear of automobiles and a fetish for BICYCLE SEATS is eliminating parking spaces and blocking off important roads so he can pedal his way up to the top of the mountain and imagine he is Jesus. Valerie Plante, you need to get your house in order. [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™. Hey Cult. I think that you need some better people on your music critique staff. It’s BAFFLING that none of you included the best new BOY BAND since One Direction, Brockhampton, in your year-end list. But you included Bibio’s new album—that’s the most unobtrusive, boring piece of shit that he’s made. It’s barely an album, it’s like soundscapes. And you included the two re-releases of Ramones music, music was made more than 30 years ago. It’s not new 2017 music! Listen to some new music for fuck’s sake. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™, it’s Thursday night, it’s roughly 4 degrees outside, it’s really nice. I’m currently chilling at the old Henri Bourassa station, the one that people don’t use any more. Where all the buses used to be, with the huge parking lot. That’s all gone now. Henri Bourassa is now a GHOST STATION, man. Oddly enough, I take one of the few buses that stops here, right in front of the dojo, to go home. So yeah man, I’m waiting for a ghost bus at the ghost station. Henri Bourassa, man. Ghost town. I remember there used to be a guy who played guitar here, for like 20 years. He always had this weird wacky PURPLE SUIT, he would play in the winter. He passed away several years ago, his name was Jocelyn. That was 20 years ago… but I am fairly certain he haunts this place today. [BLEEP!]
M I just wanted to thank Marc Bergevin, general manager of les Canadiens de Montreal, for turning the team into a LAUGHING STOCK, a complete laughing stock. What a piece of crap team, unbelievable. Marc Bergevin, you are the architect of this mess that we are experiencing now as fans. A bloody mess. I am very disappointed in you, I am very disappointed in your organization. The culture of wining is gone, all you care about is selling your trademarks, merchandise. I don’t even watch the games any more, that’s how bad it is. They are not even worth watching. You’re out of the playoffs, you traded away Suban, you traded away Markov. I’m done with the Habs. Completely. Fully completely. [BLEEP!]
F Yeah, this for the guy who works at my dep who has what looks like a really intentionally BAD HAIRCUT and is always playing really boring obnoxious music You look like you care about AESTHETICS a lot, but you don’t understand them at all. I’m not HATING, I m just concerned. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, this is MISTRESS. I have something to rant about—a certain jealous evil-minded bimbo named (names semi-known quasi-celebrity). Get in the ring, you stinking cunt! Because I have nothing to lose—you will find out what a cunt I am. You fuck rocks stars for money, not I! I am going to ruin you. Go suck Hugh Hefner’s cock once again—why would any woman in her right mind want to be a Playboy bunny? (Names major 80s rock star) confided in me that you coudn’t even suck him dry, let alone RIDE him the right way. Playboy magazine will go down! I am starting my own magazine, Mistress File. You’re a poor excuse for all independent women who have substance—you are degrading. Fucking VROMA MOUNA. I want to piss and shit all over you, PULL YOUR HAIR and stick your head in the toilet! Lick it clean! You had your 15 minutes of fame! Celebrity shit! [BLEEP!]
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