TEN YEARS AGO THIS MONTH!

FEATURING: BLOODSHOT BILL, PLASTIK PATRICK, TALAMASCA & ANGRY VAGINA GIRL!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Talamasca, Talamasca. The lead singer, Chriss Lee, the guy who FAKED his own DEATH, is living in the dead lands now. He’s in Toronto, the poor fucker. But at least one of the members of that rotating troupe of musicians is still in town and he’s playing, believe it or not, glam rock. But if you wanna risk your soul and go to Toronto, you may just find Chriss Lee. [BLEEP!]

F Chriss Lee? Didn’t that big loser get smart and finally kill himself for real? [BLEEP!]

M Bloodshot Bill is the hardest working man in show business. Period. [BLEEP!]

M From someone who actually does know, Plastik Patrik just gets it on. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, for everybody who likes to mix up their techno and their church, there’s gonna be a TRANCE SERVICE at Christ Church Cathedral downtown on Sunday, Aug. 18 at 4 o’clock. So if you want a little bit of God and a little bit of amphetamine-driven techno music you should come down and check it out. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, is it just me or is everyone who works at that music store Mars on Ste-Catherine TOTALLY WEIRD. Because I went there today and there were five guys and they were all weirdos. If you don’t believe me, check it out. Mars music store, it’s in the basement on Ste-Catherine. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the people wondering where they can get SPEED in this city. I find that the 13 Highway is a pretty good place, and also the Ville-Marie Expressway. Mid-afternoon is a good time but you gotta watch for the cops, man. [BLEEP!]

F This is to Angry Vagina Girl. Your feminist propaganda is just as bad as patriarchal brainwashing, okay, so shut the fuck up. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to that Nazi feminist who doesn’t tolerate imaginative interpretations of the female genitals. Men have to tolerate your absurd censorship at work and at home—basically everywhere. More and more men are fed up with this imposed political correctness. Don’t say this, don’t say that, don’t do this, don’t do that. Your pussy is like a huge abyss with WEIRD FISHES in it—you know, the kind that glow in the dark with big teeth? No one ever goes to the abyss because it’s too wide and deep and creepy and cold. If a penis ever gets lost in your abyss of a vagina, it will come back with freezer burn. [BLEEP!]

M My rant is for the lady who’s disgusted by the guy who referred to her vagina as a FLESH WOUND. I tell you what. I won’t refer to your vagina as a flesh wound if you don’t refer to men’s penises as “small invalid cocks.” First of all, my cock is almost a foot long, so I’m not taking this personally. But if you want someone to call your pussy a beautiful little beaver tail as opposed to a slit in the wall, then it would be nice if you could call guys’ dicks, I don’t know, a fucking banana with yummy edible cherries or something. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hello, this is the person who left the original rant about the vagina being a flesh wound. I just wanted to say that I never bashed women. I love women. I was just asking why we love the vagina so much. That’s all. I didn’t mean anything by it. I respect women to the max! So don’t get your panties all up in a bundle there, I just wondered why we love the vagina and sometimes I just think it would be better if you guys were GAGGED while we fondled your vaginas. That’s all. No big whoop. Take a pill, relax. I love youse all. Keep it clean. Wash it, shave it, get it all pampered up because I’m coming to get them. I love the vagina and you never know where I’m gonna be. I might be in the local bar picking you up and I might be in your trousers by the end of the night. So get it all cleaned up. God love youse. [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling about the guy who’s wondering if there are any women out there who like SMALL PENISES. Well, me, personally, I like big dicks but I know some women—girls, actually—who like small penises. VIRGINS. Virgins like small penises because they’ve never seen penises before. Therefore any penis is the biggest penis they’ve ever seen. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is to all those OLD PEOPLE who take hours to get on and off the bus and make everyone late for work. Why don’t they make a bus specifically for old people so everyone else can get to work on time? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just ranting back about some really ERRONEOUS INFORMATION. I’m just back from a camping trip of three days. Dragonflies were landing on my shirt, on rocks, everywhere. It’s simply not true that dragonflies can only land on a branch, as was stated in the Rant Line™ in the issue of July 18. This is misinformation that should not be spread! Dragonflies can land on something flat! [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yes, hello Rant Line.™ I want to RAGE about 990 radio being made a French station instead of being left alone. Those people have worked hard and FOR NO MONEY for years and now they’re getting totally ass-ploughed by the Bell telephone company. First, why is a telephone company allowed to do anything involving radio or TV? Second, if I see one more shitty Bell commercial lying to me about rates and service and anything positive, I’ll go nuts. Bell is really a shit company and they have the worst service, rates and products in Canada. And third, Say No to Bell and SAVE 990 radio! Don’t let the English sports fans suck Bell cock, like the CRTC always does. GO EXPOS. [BLEEP!]

M I’m not really sure there’s a proven link between DEATH METAL and GAYNAL sex. It could just be the music was found ideal for masking the gaynal sounds. I don’t know for sure because I don’t really like either of those things, though maybe I haven’t listened to enough death metal or had enough gaynal. Please make sure you print that correctly: g-a-y-n-a-l. Really the only reason I called was to get that word into general use. [BLEEP!]

M This is for all the supposed SHARP anti-fascist skinheads out there. You guys know that the MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD really don’t like white people, right? You guys could maybe, like, talk to them. And, another thing—you know they just discovered that homophobics are actually deep-down closet homosexuals? So I wonder if you guys, who say you are anti-fascist, if deep down you are not secretly fascist. If you’re really anti-fascist, how come you don’t fight the fascist police? No, you guys would rather beat up on some white guy. What the hell? You got the frickin’ Islam nation that fucking hate fucking white people. But what are you guys doing? Oh yeah, you’re pretending you’re actually making a difference. But in reality you’re just a bunch of closet fascists. Later. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, listen to this [commotion can be heard in the background]. Do you hear that? That’s about 20 CHILDREN on the 24 bus. They’re all from some CAMP and they all keep shouting and singing and laughing, saying things about what they’re doing, which is sitting on a bus shouting and singing and laughing. It makes me feel good about life. The last time I saw so many people having a good time, we were all on E. Let’s hope they don’t grow up to be douches. (bleep)

M Hi. This isn’t much of a rant as it is more the TRUTH. It’s about whether or not a musician should have a DAY JOB. I don’t think it matters. It all goes back to the  DEIFYING, the MYTHOS, of musicians, separating us from each other. Yes, there are great talents like Jimi Hendrix and Jeff Buckley. And there is the underground music scene, with tons of bands doing things that aren’t known. They work day jobs. Great writers like BUKOWSKI, who was a POSTMAN for a lot of years, wrote books and poems as a creative outlet. I could fill up the Rant Line™ with tons of stories—like MINGUS, who worked a day job and played at night and then would go off with his kids and then go play again. So there are many different variations and variables to a musician’s life. It’s more about the output and how we enjoy it. Or maybe we criticize it. But be careful, because there is no such thing as what a musician is. They come in many different SHAPES and sizes and colours. Please don’t believe the hype—musicians are just like anybody else. They have some great talents and you should appreciate them for those talents. But do not EXALT them to god-like status. [BLEEP!]

M What up, Rant Line™? I just wanted to ask why every PIZZA place thinks it’s a good MARKETING STRATEGY to advertise two slices for the price of one. Seriously, can you name one pizzeria that doesn’t? It’s like a cabal of GREASY Montreal pizzeria owners came up with this brilliant idea all at once. But tell me this—if every pizzeria sells two for one, then what the fuck is the price of one? What’s the point of reference? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M If anyone is concerned about WASTAGE of food that they should pay attention to 4 Freres, on Parc. They’re throwing away tons of vegetables and AVOCADOS. But what they’re doing is timing it so nobody can go into the bins. The garbage truck just came, and they just tossed out three bags of incredible stuff—avocados, tomatoes, you name it. I am so incensed by that waste that I think we should get a law set in so that any surplus vegetables must be donated. And if anybody out there cares to act on that—I don’t know who the MP is, and I’m not political, but I do feel responsible for what they’re doing somehow—please go ahead. [BLEEP!]

M All you fucking, finger-licking CHICKEN LOVERS ought to know that the boneless chicken you’re eating had their bones turned to jelly by some fucking toxin solvent shit. Check it out, dude, if you don’t believe me. And another thing, does anybody know why the fucking tap water in the Plateau stinks like an alligator’s asshole? Peace and love, bro. [BLEEP!]

F Put your fucking SHIRTS back on greaseballs. I don’t care how hot it is. This isn’t your backyard and you being shirtless is a little on the puke-inducing side. [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local scene?
We want to hear from you!
Call (514) 271-RANT (7268)

Got an opinion on the local scene? We want to hear from you! Really truly we do. 514-271-7268 (RANT).

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Everybody keeps HATING on HIPSTERS, but I think they’re pretty cool. Yeah, sure, there are a couple of SNOBS and a couple of them that suck, but that’s like any group of people. If you look at metalheads, there are always a couple of them who are really big snobs. People who dress all G—gangsta—there are always a couple of them who suck. But some of them are NICE. I think that anybody who generalizes about an entire group of people is just being ignorant and stupid. You’re a fucking snob yourself! Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up, Rant Line™? Hey, you know what I just found out? Death metal was invented to cover up the noise of MALE-ON-MALE ANAL sex. That’s why it’s horrible!I just had a first-hand experience right now. I walked in to this room to get a lighter to light whatever the fuck I was smoking—you guys don’t need to know—and I walked in on two guys having anal sex with death metal playing really loudly. I fell to my KNEES—and then I got the fuck out of there as fast as I could. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is to the guy drying his hands on his PANTS at the Biftek because the blow dryer doesn’t work. I just want to say that if you’re going to  pay $400 for jeans, maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at the Biftek. [BLEEP]

M Hi there, Rant Line™. I don’t know if you’re checking this anymore, but I just want to let you know, it’s just not the same without you. See you later. [Ed’s reply: Actually, we’re still here. Doing as great a job as ever! Please see the following rant.] [BLEEP!]

M Hey, wassup? This is directed to the editor of the Rant Line™, you fuckin’ cock. Why do you print shit that’s garbage? All the time. You know, it’ll go on about four or five weeks about the same fuckin’ topic. What the fuck is wrong with you? Honestly, I say shit CLEVER and I barely get in the fuckin’ Rant Line™. I’ve been in the Rant Line a couple times but with my most clever shit I never get in to it. I’ll talk bullshit about music or blah, blah, blah and you fuckin’ print me. But if I say clever shit, it doesn’t get in. You know what I’m sayin’? You suck. You suck. Just start doing shit bad-ass. That’s it. That’s all I ask. You fucking suck. Get better. And fucking print this rant because it’s truthful, asshole. All right? You know what I’m sayin’? Fuck you, editor of the Rant Line™. You suck. You totally suck. I don’t want to know your name. I don’t know your name. Like, seriously, you’ve got the COOLEST JOB in the fucking world and you take advantage of the shit by listening to the shit and, you know, printing the bullshit. You fucking suck, dude. Honestly. You’ve got a good job, don’t fucking waste it. You dick, motherfuck. I fucking hate you. Please print this, you cunt. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Listen up motherfuckers. I decided to spend my last 20 cents on my account to call the Rant Line™ instead of PRANK CALLING my ex-boyfriend. I think it was a WISE CHOICE. I think he probably knows it’s me that prank calls him at least once a month. Random calls, hanging up, whatever. I’m a little bit of a STALKER. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the asshole who thinks women should take it as a compliment when he tells them they have NICE TITS. If some asshole on the street stopped to tell me I had nice tits, they’d be the last thing he saw before I kneed his TINY BALLS out the top of his empty head. Treat us with respect! My tits aren’t there for your pleasure, and no self-respecting woman wants some creepy idiot sexually assaulting her VERBALLY when she’s out and about. Degenerate losers. Go home and masturbate to pictures of your MOTHER. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to find out if this is true or not. I could be wrong. You know, I’m not an expert on everything. Do most women think that if a guy says something to them, he wants to FUCK them? He wants to have sex with them? I seem to keep getting that reaction from women. I’m just a friendly person and I say something out of friendliness, and they act like I want to fucking sleep with them and see them NAKED. I mean, my God. My God. I mean, there are guys like that, but most guys don’t want to fucking fuck every girl they meet! Okay? So maybe you girls can straighten me out on this. Have you reduced yourself to that low level that you think you’re just purely SEX OBJECTS and that we have no interest in you other than having sex with you? It’s all about sex, right? You fucking women should get your fucking DIRTY MINDS out of the gutter. It’s the women with the dirty minds, really, not the men. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Good morning, Rant Line™. This is Regimental Oneton. I just figured I’d tell you a funny story, strictly for entertainment value. It’s about my 12-pound Boston Terrier named Oscar. He’s not CASTRATED because I believe in treating him equally. If I castrated him I’d have to castrate myself and we both know I don’t want to do that. Every morning, Oscar sleeps with me and this particular moment he was on my stomach, getting petted. I have a full length mirror next to the bed, and I turned him over and his little Chanel lipstick was FULLY ERECT. I got worried. Just as I’m tossing him off me, an ARC OF JIZZ goes over him and lands squarely across my face and some of it ended up in my mouth. I ended up throwing him 20 metres across the room, and I’m not a violent person. So I just started spitting on him, spitting his sperm back on to him as my girlfriend laughed her ass off for about 45 minutes. So needless to say we have a very good, fully functioning relationship. I’ve tasted his and I’m looking forward to him tasting mine eventually. Have a nice day! [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling from the bathroom of the Biftek. They have got to get their shit together considering their HAND DRYERS. I just washed my hands and the air flow just sprinkled out. I paid $400 for these fucking jeans, ok, they are not a towel! [BLEEP!]

M I’m at the Barfly and there are these OLD GUYS talking about “Tangled Up in Blue” being the best song ever recorded. I just want to say fuck you to “Tangled up in Blue,” fuck you to BOB DYLAN and fuck you to old guys in bars. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, my name is Edward. This is a shout-out to the KILTS at Ye Olde Orchard Pub. I’d like to go SPELUNKING under those kilts. So yeah, keep it up ladies! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I’m calling about these ridiculous METRO COPS—the STM idiots that you see standing around on the metro platform all dressed like they are Anaheim SWAT. What are you going to do, check my ticket? Jesus Christ, you are hardly any sort of law enforcement official. Fuck you guys. [BLEEP!]

M What ARTIST uses another man’s house to practice their UGLY DOODLES on in the middle of the night and without that man’s permission? You’ve got to be either a lunatic or a sociopath. [BLEEP!]

M Hi kids! I haven’t called in a while but I just wanted to say I smoked a little DOOBIE and I am watching the Olympics and it’s awesome! But I have something else on my mind—what is it with athletes doing publicity for Cover Girl? Makeup? Like, seriously? At the Olympics!? If there is one thing that is real, it’s athleticism. What the fuck does makeup have to do with it? I really don’t understand. [BLEEP!]

F Listen up motherfuckers, this is the 12 Gauge Minx making my monthly rant. Ok, my number one rant is, how many times do I have to hear news reporters, or anyone doing some kind of media coverage, and they’re talking about London and they have to throw in the across the pond reference? Seriously, is that the only thing we know what to say about London or England? Across the pond? ACROSS THE FUCKING POND?? [BLEEP]

M Life was better when you could smoke in bars. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I guess this is a rant about PARENTS, people who have kids. I am pretty sick of listening to co-workers talk about how difficult it is to have kids. I don’t mind an anecdote here or a story there, or even a daily thing, like “this is how hard it is to raise kids.” But I don’t want to constantly hear how it’s some kind of BURDEN that’s been put on them by the world. You decided to have fucking kids! I’ve ABORTED three kids! I could have three children now, but I was, like, fuck that. And they got vacuumed flat by MORGENTALER’S PEOPLE. They’re gone. And to hear people going “Wahhhhh, it’s so fucking hard to have kids,” I don’t give a shit! You took that on. That’s your fucking deal. It’s not something I imposed on you. Getting them vacuumed out is a choice, having them is a choice. Live with your fucking decision, and fucking get over yourself. You are not more important than anyone else because you had fucking kids. That’s my rant. [BLEEP!]

M [sounding suspiciously like Senator Clay Davis] Hey, it’s 100 degrees outside and I’m calling about all the bitches walking around with their big sweaty JUBBLY titties. And if I say, “Hey, you got some sweet titties,” why you look at me like a piece of shit? I’m just giving you a compliment! I ain’t looking to rape you or no shit, I’m just giving you a compliment on your titties. Sheeit! Can’t a guy tell you you got nice titties without you getting all up in his face?? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m trying to meditate on getting into all the ANGRY THINGS in my life, thingsthat I hate, trying to let that stuff go. And lo and behold I came upon a TRUTH: if you hate something, let it go. If it comes back to you, man, you really hate that shit. [BLEEP!]

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